FROM GOOD OLE UNCLE VIC

December 2005

   The answer to last month's quiz, what animal is responsible for the most human fatalities in Africa. No, it is not the Cape buffalo, Pam. And, while it is responsible for more deaths than any living organism, Pam and Andrew, I believe the mosquito is an insect and not an animal.
The answer is the hippopotamus. Yes, that chubby mammal with the huge smile is really a killer!

   This week's quiz, again for a $5 Target gift card (Members only), where did the tradition of hanging stockings by the fireplace on Christmas Eve originate? Please email your answer to Vicki.Brick@BrickBodies.com.

   Well, it has been one whole semester now. For four months Lynne and I have been empty nesters. While it was tough at first (We still have a light in each of the kids' rooms that burns 24 hours a day), in reality, we have quite enjoyed it. Oh, sure, we are looking forward to having them back for Christmas, Jon from the Citadel and Vicki from Australia, but, truth be told, we have become comfortable with "living on our own"! A lot less to clean up. A lot quieter. We can walk around in our undies (or less!) and we can even mess around on a Sunday morning like when we were first married, if you know what I mean. Come to think of it, why are we letting those little buggers back at all!

   Actually, you know the toughest thing about being empty nesters? Learning to live with each other all over again. When it is just the two of you, you can't get away from each other. At first it was a challenge. I must say that there were times when our dog, Caesar was our best friend. But over time we have really come to dramatically improve our relationship and rekindle our friendship. Right Lynne? Lynne? Right, Honey? No, really, we have. And do you know when that turning point was? When she started to listen to me! Ha! (Sorry, I got carried away). Actually, the turning point was when I realized that Lynne was not like me. And, more importantly, that I shouldn't expect her to be.

   What triggered this revelation, you might ask? To a great extent, it was John Gray, the author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. I had read his book but it wasn't until I heard him speak at the Club Industry Convention in Chicago this fall that I really understood to what extent men and women are different.

   It all has to do with hormones. Men are often low in dopamine, which gives us energy and motivation. Since we are low in dopamine, we seek out activities to stimulate us such as sports, action movies and dangerous activities. Women are often low in serotonin. Low levels of serotonin result in over-giving in a relationship, food cravings and depression. The manifestations of the differences are obvious. Women like compassion. Men like competition. Women like compliments. Men like to take credit. Women like babies. Men like battles. Women like the toilet seat up. Men like it down. (Sorry, just had to slip that one in on you). You get the point. Men and women are, to a great extent, different!

   Once I realized that Lynne was not like me and that I shouldn't expect her to be, I became much more sensitive to her individual needs and much more tolerant of our differences. And she became much more sensitive and tolerant as well. We really came to respect each other as individuals and to really appreciate what each of us brought to our relationship. Quite frankly, it has been rather exciting; kind of like dating all over again. You know, when you really tried to get into your partner's world. Do you remember that feeling? (By the way, you can always tell the newlyweds or the people just dating in a restaurant as opposed to the people who have been married for a long time. The newly weds or the dating couple are looking at each other, talking, totally focused on each other. The couples that have been married for awhile are often looking around or looking at their food, hardly talking to each other).

   John Gray had a lot of great points but, in many ways he was simply restating what any good salesperson already knows, and that is that all anyone really wants is to be acknowledged and reassured. They want to be acknowledged as an individual that has value in your eyes. They want to be reassured you care about them and what's important in their life.

   So Lynne and I acknowledge and reassure each other every day. We acknowledge each other by asking each other how our day went and by really listening to the answer. We kiss each other goodbye and we kiss each other hello. We hold hands. We help each other with the household chores. We talk to each other and try to be more respectful of each other, not so much to each other's feelings but more to each other's point of view. We reassure each other by telling each other how nice we look. We tell each other "I love you" often. We try to compliment each other for any task done well, no matter how small. We support each other when things don't go as we had hoped, as opposed to criticizing each other. We really try to be sensitive to each other's needs, whether it be the need for personal space, a helping hand or a listening ear. I know. I know. Corny, corny, corny! But we love it and it works.

   There are a lot of other great points in Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, of course. And I strongly encourage you to get John Gray's new book, The Diet and Exercise Solution. But all complex situations can usually be boiled down to one or two critical issues. And in this case it is Acknowledgement and Reassurance. That is the key to rekindling a relationship. Now, how long are those dang kids hanging around for the holidays?

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY