FROM GOOD OLE UNCLE VIC

February 2008

    Hello everyone, how are you? Still keeping those New Year's Resolutions?

    The answer to last month's quiz, how many books are published in a day? 3,000. That's right, 3,000. No one got the answer right this time.

    This week's fitness quiz what are the origins of the expression "tongue-in-cheek"? E-mail your answers to Jami at Jami.Mignogna@BrickBodies.com.

    Let me relate to you the events of my day on Thursday, January 17: Seems I was at the office when it started to snow. Since Lynne's Jag is terrible in the snow she took it home to get Vick's old Lexus (1991 with 280,000 miles) for me so she could drive the Saab, which has front wheel drive. About 12:15 Vicki, Lynne and I were all going to meet up at Moe's in Cockeysville for lunch and then have a drink at Starbuck's. Each of us drove separately. As we were chilling in Starbucks and I was starting to relax my right brain kicked in and I remembered I had a lunch appointment with Pastor Mark from my church so I raced out of 'Bucks and jumped into Vick's old car.

    Now, the reason Vick retired her old car was because the defrost wouldn't work and at times it had a tendency to die. So, here I was, driving in a snow storm with no defrost, wiping the windshield with a Starbucks napkin and trying not to hit anything, racing to a lunch appointment at Michael's on York Road in Timonium. As I passed the entrance to the State Fair Grounds there was an accident in the middle lane that involved an ambulance and a fire truck which was starting to really back up traffic. Fortunately I got by that light but, as I rolled down the window so I could see out and not hit anything, I noticed the window was going down very slowly. Usually this is a sign of losing power but, since we just got a new battery only a few months ago, I didn't think anything of it.

    Well, I had to stop at the next light right in front of the main entrance to the race track guess what happened? THE CAR DIED! Fortunately, I kept my wits about me. I was the first one in line in the middle lane. I opened my door (remember, my flashers don't work. No battery!) so people knew I was in trouble and waited for the light to turn red again. When it did I got out and, bad back and all, pushed the car BY MYSELF across one entire lane of traffic into the entrance area for the race track, out of the line of traffic. Then I jogged across the street and the 200 yards down to Michael's to tell Pastor Mark that I could not keep our lunch appointment because I had to take care of my car.

    Guess what? HE WASN'T THERE!! So I immediately jogged back to the car to figure out what to do. First I called Lynne but she (and Vicki in the background) only laughed at me! They were both still at Starbucks. Then I was going to call AAA but, with the accident just up the road I knew I would have to wait forever for them to get there. Then I had a brain child. Maybe, just maybe, the battery of the car could be jump-started. I called the office to see if anyone had cables and, sure enough, Evan had a pair and agreed to come to my aid. He showed up at the car in about 10 minutes and we got ready to jump-start the battery. However, the pistons that hold up the hood of the car WERE BROKEN so we had to prop an old plastic water jug under the hood to hold it up while Evan attached the cables. Fortunately the water jug held and, more fortunately, the jump start worked and we were in business.

    I told Evan to follow me home just in case the car died again and off we went, across York Road and through the parking lot of Block Buster and out the back way to Timonium Road to avoid traffic. As I turned right onto Greenmeadow near the old Smythe building and proceeded to where it intersected Timonium Road I braked ever so slowly because of the snow and guess what happened. BAM! Something hit me from behind! I realized that Evan HAD JUST HIT MY CAR!. The swine was unable to stop quickly enough and rammed my car from behind. Luckily the damage was minimal and my neck will recover with time!

    We turned left onto Timonium Road and negotiated the two big hills on Pot Spring Road that lead to my house. As I approached the entrance to my court on Pot Spring a fire marshal in a County vehicle was making everyone turn back. He allowed me to turn into my court but made Evan turn around so now I had no way of getting back to the office.

    I was so proud of myself for getting the car home as I pulled into the driveway and up to the garage but then I made a startling discovery. I DID NOT HAVE A HOUSE KEY because I had Vicki's old car and there was no house key on her old key ring and there was NO GARAGE DOOR OPENER in the car because Vicki had it in her NEW CAR!. So there I was, parked outside my house with no way to get in.

    However, they don't call me the Second Story Man for nothing. I began to check every outside door to see if I could jiggle one open before I had to go to the bathroom, which was becoming more and more of a priority. Finally I tugged on one of the French doors from the deck into the great room and, voalla, IT OPENED! That's the good news. The bad news is that it immediately SET OFF THE ALARM and the DOG STARTED TO HOWL! In addition, the alarm company always calls and asks for the password and I didn't know it. And, if you don't know it, they send the police. And, if it is a false alarm, it is 50 BUCKS! So I hurriedly called Lynne to get the password. I was talking to her when the alarm company called and had to carry on TWO CONVERSATIONS AT THE SAME TIME! She thought I was talking to her, they thought I was talking to them and it got really ugly. Finally, I got the right password and we were all set.

    But it doesn't end there. I figured I would pull the car into the garage and be done with it so I opened the garage door from inside the garage and walked out to the car. Guess what? THE CAR HAD A FLAT TIRE! No joke. The car had a flat tire!

    I pulled it into the garage anyway and promptly went inside and lunched on a chocolate-almond bark from Glaubers. Remember, I missed lunch at Moe's and at Michael's.

    So, what is the moral of this story? Laugh now because you will be laughing about it two week's from now anyway. In my case, two hours. This all happened between 12:30 and 1:30. It is 4 PM now. Hey, gotta go. Lynne just got here with my lunch. Drive carefully!

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY